EGO: AN ENEMY OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

EXAMPLES OF EGO:

What is ego? How it affects everyday life? Why should I write about it? Let us understand ego with following scenerios:

1) Conflict in Marriage:

Ratnesh and Mahima were working in the same Company for last five years and at the same level. Two years back they decided and got married. After that, last year Mahima got promotion. But Ratnesh was not promoted. However, they were matured and decided that they will not allow professional events to affect their personal life. Three months passed smoothly as usual. Then, Ratnesh’s suspicious mind started observing the change in behavior of Mahima. She was aware of the situation and did her best to please him. But he developed some sort of complex. For instance, he saw each act of Mahima as if she was proving her superiority.

He developed negative thoughts in-spite of her positive attitude. His performance deteriorated at the work place, also. If Mahima took a step forward to improve this situation, he took it negatively.

See friends! Just a promotion of one person in the family made their life miserable. Surely, his EGO is responsible for this bleak situation. Do you agree?

2) Business Partnership:

Let us consider another scenerio. Keshav & Co. is a firm owned by Keshav. He got a contract from a large business establishment to supply some items on consistent basis. He was successful in meeting all the requirements of the contract. In fact, he had over performed.

Raghvendra, was the concerned Manager from the business establishment. He had to prove to his management that Keshav & Co. keeps on creating problems. And he tackles the situation by keeping a vigilant attitude. If he does not create this negative drama, his own existence will be a question mark. For this purpose, he keeps creating issues every now and then. Later on he converts them into big ones. This, ultimately, spoils the harmony and trust between the firms.

Do you sense some EGO problem in his behavior?

3) Workplace Relationship:

Srinivas Rao was a senior officer in a famous IT Company. He has been working in this company for about 10 years. Last year, Ramesh was posted in his Department as a new IT Engineer. Ramesh was a pass out from a famous reputed National Institute. He has been a brilliant student throughout. He had new ideas to perform his task in a better way. Being a fresh graduate he had latest technical knowledge of his field which his boss could not have. Therefore, he discussed with his boss about the improvements that he had in his mind.

However, the boss did not like his ideas. He took it as an interference. The boss explained him that with great efforts of several years the current process was established. Any change will spoil the good effect of those efforts. He should better follow the current practice. And also, forget about the CHANGE.

Do you believe friends that Ramesh could really bring some improvements? Probably yes. But unless given an opportunity he could not prove himself. On the other hand he got frustrated. Can you guess as why did the boss not give an opportunity to him? The boss was, of course, smart. He knew that Ramesh really had ideas which could work. And, if that happened, the top management would consider Ramesh better than him. Therefore, sooner or later he could have to move out.

This feeling which has stopped him to take right decision and not allow natural growth of Ramesh is: EGO. EGO means : evil going on.

SIGNS OF EGO:

In all the above examples, a person develops negative feelings which are not based on reality. But the feelings are so strong that he is not even ready to examine the truthfulness of the situation. According to Freud, ego is the component of personality that is responsible for dealing with reality. The right amount of ego helps us to achieve big goals. But, the unwanted ego can destroy our path of success.

First sign of undesired ego is getting tension. A person with high ego disturbs the minds of others and he himself remains under severe tension. Ego makes a man blind. He pushes himself away from reality. His sole desire is to prove himself right. He can not see a situation as it is. He develops negative feelings. Anger, fear, resentment and jealousy takes control of his life. He wants to punish others and he becomes arrogant. He thinks he is better than others. But, he has a low self esteem. Ultimately he is entrapped inside an ego trap.

Quite often he starts playing psychological games. And, that too with a concealed motivation. Their outcome is predictable. As per Berne, a game is an ongoing series of complementary ulterior transactions. Their favorite games are: See what you made me do. And, I am only trying to help you. http://rrt2.neostrada.pl/mioduszewska/course_2643_reading_3.pdf

People with negative ego are self absorbed. Therefore they fail to think rationally. They are experts in creating emotional drama.

EFFECT OF NEGATIVE EGO:

1. First attack of ego is on personal relationship. Ratnesh’s ego spoiled his marriage relationship. Mahima was not at fault. She made her best efforts to set the things right. They could feel great that at-least one of them is promoted. But, Ratnesh could not see the bigger picture. Overall the family income increased. They could better enjoy their life. But, ego made him blind. Several marriages do not last long due to ego of one of the partners. https://www.askideas.com/media/75/Ego-is-just-a-small-three-letter-word-Which-can-destroy-a-big-twelve-letter-word-called-Relationship..jpg
2. Ego is an enemy of friendship. It can spoil the game whenever two or more persons interact. It can create mistrust between friends, colleagues or family members.
3. Large business Firms are run by a team of people from different expertise. All team members need to have good mutual understanding. Their role in the team is unique. Negative ego of one person in the team can spoil the performance of the whole team.
4. At work place it can stop the performance of a Department to improve. It can cause frustration to young employees. Ego can stop the personal & professional growth of individuals. A person with negative tantrums of ego will not grow personally. Also, he will not allow his subordinates to grow.
5. Several partnership businesses come to an end everyday because of the misunderstanding between them. Negative ego of one of them may cause this failure.

INDICATORS OF EGO:

A person having negative ego never knows that he has it. You can not overcome it unless you accept that you have it. So, first of all you need to identify the presence of ego. However, it is difficult to spot it. This is because it hides behind our own opinion of ourselves, which may not be true. There are some signs about presence of ego:

Ego is troubling you, if you…….

1. Have the feeling of uski sari meri sari se jyada safed kaise? When you fail to accept someone better than you, ego is ruling over you.
2. Can’t accept the success of others and make hidden plans to fail him.
3. Get angry with someone without any acceptable reason.
4. Plan to punish someone when you can excuse him.
5. Want to prove yourself right always and prove others wrong.
6. Have a feeling of insecurity and low self image.
7. Become jealous with someone instead of making efforts to be like him.
8. Don’t extend a helping hand but enjoy his/her misery.
9. Don’t accept your failures and never acknowledge other’s contribution.

HOW TO OVERCOME EGO:

If you notice any of above signs or some other similar sign, take it as an alert. Because, this is an alarm for you. Any change in personal life is not very easy. You have to make extra ordinary efforts to improve. Here is how you can change:

1. First of all, accept that there is a problem. And prepare your mindset for a change.
2. Think rationally. What if you are wrong and the other person is right.
3. There is no necessity to prove yourself better than others. Because, everyone possess some quality which others may not have.
4. In work place it is team performance that matters and not that of an individual’s. Above all, remember: Together Everyone Achieves More.
5. Be sure that if you praise others, they would surely love you.
6. Gracefully accept your failures. After that, identify ways to move ahead.
7. Develop healthy relationships with others. In other words, respect other’s emotions and feelings.
8. Recognize the favorite games you play. And, stop playing them.

TAKE AWAY:

In conclusion: Getting rid of ego needs attitudinal change.

Accept the fact that negative ego is harmful. Never ever allow your ego to rule your mind. The simple rule is to give a chance to other person. Always make efforts to find the best in others. Love them. That attitude will never allow ego to prosper. Learn to develop positive friendship and understand the emotions of your partner. Believe in others. After all, they can also be right.

Good Luck friends. Win your ego and ride the steps of success.

Dr Lokesh N Rai